Wow! It has been awhile since I have blogged. I am back friends. I am going through some of the most difficult times in my life. Times where difficult decisions have to be made. I thought about not really going deep into my thought processes, but that would not be keeping it real with ya'll. These lyrics are how I feel today,

Hello? Aw shit, nigga. What the fuck time is it, man?Oh god damn. Nigga do you know what time it is?Aw shit, what the fuck's goin' on? You alright?Aw, nigga what the fuck is wrong wit you?)When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hellCause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tellIt don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodiesDressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodiesGod will probably have me on some real strict shitNo sleepin' all day, no gettin my dick lickedHangin' with the goodie-goodies loungin' in paradiseFuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot diceAll my life I been considered as the worstLyin' to my mother, even stealin' out her purseCrime after crime, from drugs to extortionI know my mother wished she got a fuckin' abortionShe don't even love me like she did when I was youngerSuckin' on her chest just to stop my fuckin' hungerI wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes?Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my liesMy babies' mothers 8 months, her little sister's 2Who's to blame for both of them (naw nigga, not you)I swear to God I want to just slit my wrists and end this bullshitThrow the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shitAnd squeeze, until the bed's, completely redI'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fuckin' buddah headThe stress is buildin' up, I can't,I can't believe suicide's on my fuckin' mindI want to leave, I swear to God I feel like death is fuckin' callin' meBut naw you wouldn't understand (nigga, talk to me please)You see its kinda like the crack did to Pookie, in New JackExcept when I cross over, there ain't no comin' backShould I die on the train track, like Remo in BeatstreetPeople at the funeral frontin' like they miss meMy baby momma kissed me but she glad I'm goneShe knew me and her sista had somethin' goin' onI reach my peak, I can't speak,call my nigga Chic, tell him that my will is weak.I'm sick of niggas lyin', I'm sick of bitches hawkin',matter of fact, I'm sick of talkin'.(BANG)

Suicidal Thoughts by Biggie Smalls

That is powerful I know.

At some point in life you figure out that you were destined to consistently be screwed over or rewarded with good things. I have decided I recieve few rewards in life. Some ppl just get the crap hand of cards in life, and I am the winner!!!!!! It didn't take just a couple of things in my life to come to this realization. It took a series of bad events over many years to come to this conclusion. Some people just have the good coming to them all the time, I am not that guy. I am the guy who has to work twice as hard as other only to receive minimal or no reward. No matter how hard I work.

My fiancee is the example of this goodness. She gets so many blessings in life. I will admit I am a bit jealous. It gets me thinking why do some people have to work so hard to get blessed with things, or work at hard and get none at all. Now dot think for a second that she is not deserving of what has come to, because she certainly has.

I have spent all my life trying to please others and make them happy. I thought trying to be the good guy and following the rules would pay off. So far it has not. I have made decisions to try to save relationships with others. When can I make decisions to save myself?

Living with chronic illness while working 2 jobs and goig to school is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it is taking it's toll. When 3 Dr's tell you, if something does not change fast, you are going to die. How are you suppose to react to that information. Especially when you are depend and are dependent upon to be a strong provider. What I would give to take some time off, and focus on getting my health back. So many responsibilities make this impossible. Everyone still wants their money regardless of what is going on in your life. Am I doomed to continue this path?