Hello friends! We meet again. Well I am back to discuss a continuation of my last blog. I just wanted to talk about what it is all about, incase there is some misunderstanding of the meaning. Have you ever felt in life you could do more? Have you ever started things you did not finish? Have you ever kept trying and trying something and you were not successful at it? This is the battle I have had with this weight loss.

You may ask what is the big deal? The big deal is I have tried and tried this a good 5 times in the last 5 years and I have not stuck with it. It is critical that I succeed at this. Going through this makes me take a look at my life as a whole. I have started a few things I could not finish. I have made bad choices, I ahve lacked the disciple to persevere.

I have said too many times, I can't, I won't, This sucks, This is hard. I have given up and thrown in the towel many times. What makes this time different is I have now realized and come to terms with this. I was in denial before. Now that I have really taken this seriously, and I have cleared my mind a lil, the scale is moving.

Having Dave's guidance has been monumental. I used Twitter to surround myself with ppl into fitness, and that has also helped greatly. When you surround yourself with ppl of the same interests you definitely take it more seriously. As of date I have lost 11lbs. I would have loved for it to have been 20, but I will take 11, and will have to work harder.

This is a mental challenge more than anything, and I for see this strengthening my mental health as well as physical health. I am done for now. Until later...........................................

Change. Boy We Have Problems

Hello my blogger friends!! This may be one of hardest blog posts I have had to write ever. I am not blogging just to show you guys all the good times and fun. Life isn't all good times and fun, there are some struggles. This blog is to share maybe? Is this a good vent? Will someone enlighten me with some great comments? Who knows...but here goes.....I suffer from major depression: In case you know nothing about it, Read below.

Overview

Major depression is when a person has five or more symptoms of depression for at least 2 weeks. These symptoms include feeling sad, hopeless, worthless, or pessimistic. In addition, people with major depression often have behavior changes, such as new eating and sleeping patterns.

Symptoms

• Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
• Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
• Extreme difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue and lack of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt
• Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (such as sex)
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping

Depression can appear as anger and discouragement, rather than as feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. If depression is very severe, there may also be psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations and delusions. These symptoms may focus on themes of guilt, inadequacy, or disease

Now you may be like shit! This guy has some issues. That may be truth, but read on....

i just wanna be,
i just wanna be,
successful.
i just wanna be,
i just wanna be,
successful.
i just wanna be,
i just wanna be,
successful.

Yeah,
i want things to go my way,
but as of late a lot of shit been goin sideways,
and my mother tried to runaway from home,
but i left somethin in the car so i caught her in the driveway,
and she cried to me so i cried too,
and my stomach was soakin wet,
she only 5′2,
and 48 hours all before i showed up,
and brought a thousand dollas worth of drinks and got poured up,
damn my reality just set in,
and even when the phantoms leased them hoes wanna get in,

i do a lot of things,
hopin i neva have to fit in,
so tryin to keep up with my programs is like a dead end,
my girl love me but fuck it my heart beat slow,
and right now the tour bus is lookin like a freak show,
and life change for us every single week,
so whats good,
but i know this aint the peak though
cause i want…

I want the money,
money and the cars,
cars and the clothes,
the hoes,
i suppose,
i just wanna be,
i just wanna be,
successful.
i just wanna be,
i just wanna be,
successful.
i just wanna be,
i just wanna be,
successful.

This song describes the current state of my mind right now. For some reason I can't wrap my arms around what it takes to get to where I want to go. Do I have noting? No. I have a car many ppl would like to have. I have a decent job. Many people would at least like to have a job. I have my girl. I want more. I am tired of working for the man. I want to work for myself. I want to do what makes me happy, instead I do what everyone else wants me to, or to please them.

So you are probably thinking what can you possibly be unhappy about? Plenty. I have a past that haunts me, sorry folks, you do not get those details. It seems people always have an opinion on what they think is going on, and they happen to be wrong. Everyone seems to know why I do or don't do things, or why I am the way that I am.

I have never just been able to focus on myself. I just want to be successful.

NEXT BLOG! What am I going to do about it??

Biggest Loser

Ahh a new day. So today happens to be the day at my office that a Biggest Loser Challenge begins. I was skeptical at first, because last year my co-workers and myself, and HR told us we couldn't. A few months later they took our idea and did it. So this year I am embracing it as something else that can help motivate me towards my goals.

So I just came back from the weigh-in. Their scale only goes to 280. :( That was embarassing. I would love to be able to hop on a regular scale. Last night I had the crappiest workout I will post the disappointing numbers:

Date	Exercise	Body Parts Worked	Time	Sets	Reps	Lbs		Max/Min
14-Sep	Machine- Seated Chest Press	Chest		1	15	105
		Chest		3	10	105
	Machine- Pec Dec	Chest		1	15	105		Max 35lbs up
		Chest		3	10	105
	Incline Press- Plate Loaded Machine	Chest		2	10	90		Max 30lbs up
				1	5	90
	Smith Machine Bench Press	Chest		3	10	70		Min 20lbs

I was so exhausted during this workout. I had 2 days in a row of about 5 hours of sleep and worked 10 hours a day. This just was not productive at all. I am still on the search of DISCIPLINE. This has really been a mental struggle.

I know I have it in other aspects of my life. It sucks waking up at 5 A to go to work for 10 hours a day, but I do. I found this statement at a website: To me, the root of the problem is not the diet program. The root of the problem lies within the individual on the diet program. So if you want to lose weight and keep it off we need to work on "YOU", because after all, you are the one who created your weight problem. This is a fact. You are the one who have been overeating. You are the one that just could not pass-up that last piece of pie. You are the one who has not practiced self-discipline. You are the one that did not listen to your doctor when he told you that you needed to lose 20 pounds. Now you are 50 pounds overweight. YYou are the one that hasallowed food to become your master instead of the over way around. Remember! The food did not fly out of your plate and into your mouth. You and only you made the decision to overeat.

How many people can really admit that? I know I can. Ya know the lbs are not flying off, I notice more muscle definition and clothes fitting loser, but I need to get the scale burning, and it isn't. I figure if I can do this I can do anything. This weekend I am suppose to do the Minneapolis Bike Tour. I have 6 days to get ready. I know I can do it because I finished the IRONMAN, but I trained for that longer than my training for this. I turned in my workout log to Dave, my trainer, and I am prepared for some criticism of the workout. A swift kick in the ass is what I need to make it happen. Should I really have to have someone else hold me accountable to this? I can't have my hand held forever. Damn this is tough.

O'rlly?

Really it has been almost a month. It has been a difficult time along this journey. I have had a difficult time getting fully committed to this. I read, I research, I ask questions, yet I seem to find a way to not stick to it religiously. I lost the initial 5lbs and I was so excited. Then I fell victim to shoddy planning which led to bad food choices and not going to workout EVERYDAY! I have started to see some changes in my quads and triceps from the resistance training. I need to pick up the pace on the cardio. This is where there is epic fail. I can ride a bike 20 miles easy, but I don't wanna walk on a treadmill for 15 minutes or more.

I guess the word of the day is DISCIPLINE. It is hard to maintain it in a scoiety of instant gratification. Not only have I learned that planning meals are important, but planning my life around working out is important. How do you tell ppl hey sorry I gotta miss something, because I have to go to the gym. Now this has become harder because I had the summer off from school. School is back in session. Now I really have to make the time to work out.


One good thing about it, is that I can take my textbook and knock out some chapters while on the treadmill. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. this battle is more mental than anything. I have to try to over come the mental part of this and become obcessed and religious about this is I am gonna make some things happen.

I use Gymtechnik to track my workouts, and they do not make it easy to copy. I will post workout stats when time allows. I promise you guys these will become more frequent.